I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
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*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
don’t be scared
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament