What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
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11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby