how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
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Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
every college guy’s fridge
house sitting!
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.