To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis