When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
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Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
August 8
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”