No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
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My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”