Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
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I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.