Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
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I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Good point.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
RT if you know someone like this!!!
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.