My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
You Might Also Like
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
the rocks need my help
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes