OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
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once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.