[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
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Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.