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Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.