*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
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Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
peeping toms
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?