If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
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It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae