Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
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Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count