I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
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[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I need to get some bricks…
meow
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves