Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
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I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
podcasts
What
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”