each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
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WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Did my cat write this
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
12653.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man