Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
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Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
That’s incredible! 👌
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*