*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
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I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I wanna be friends with this person
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.