At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
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If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
The real reason evolution started..😂
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.