Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
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A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi