Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
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therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV