[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
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My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
A ghost story
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”