Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
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*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.