[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
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Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
meanwhile over on facebook
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now