Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
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DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
my mom: don鈥檛 fill up on bread, that鈥檚 how they get you
me: that鈥檚 how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That鈥檚 when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
No thanks, free health assessment. I don鈥檛 want to know what I鈥檓 doing to my body
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 馃彙
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven鈥檛 gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
You: Cute kid. What鈥檚 his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I鈥檓 really into stereotypes.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
This made me chuckle.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?