Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
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colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.