The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
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Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink