I come from a time of excessive Durans.
You Might Also Like
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..