Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Breaking news:
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.