I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
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“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.