A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
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My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Incredible customer service.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too