If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
You Might Also Like
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
That’s easy for you to say
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.