So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
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As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Software Development ⛵️
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.