Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Kids, do not try this at home!
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*