Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
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Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.