PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
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customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!