fly smarter, not harder
You Might Also Like
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Hot Hot Hot
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!