[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
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I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
*checks Timeline*…
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.