me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
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I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.