Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
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I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
blocked.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
True?
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)