NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
#gardening
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
hey, alexa
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
😂😂
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions