White parent Vs Arab parents
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[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?