I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
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This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.