[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
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[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.