If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
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[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks