Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
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THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.