Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
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Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin