[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
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I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
My first child will be named New Folder.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2